Saturday, August 26, 2006

Employment-phobic

I haven’t had a job in over a decade.  My last real-world, go-to-the-office job ended in 1994, when I quit my job as Program Director of a radio station.  I felt physically great at that point in my life, and I went back to school full-time so I could head down a new career path.  My FMS hit me with a vengeance three years later, and that was when everything changed.  I ended a relationship, I moved to a different state, and I stopped going to school.  I would have tried to find a job despite the fibromyalgia, but I didn’t have a green card and wasn’t eligible to work in the US.  I’ve since been supported by my partner, and have helped make ends meet by doing independent contractor work from home (website design, freelance writing, etc.).  I sometimes go for days without feeling capable of working, and have often felt that not being permitted to work was perhaps a blessing in disguise.

This past Wednesday I finally received a Work Authorization card (the precursor to a green card), and suddenly, I can work out in the real world again.  I not only am permitted to work, I really must work because of our tight financial situation, and the thought of this is scary.  It’s tough enough to have to back into the big, bad world after a decade in isolation, but I also have to wonder/worry about what I’m physically capable of.  When I was younger I loved doing temp work, especially if it was in a factory-setting, yet now all I can think is that I’m in too much pain to stand all day or do too much lifting.  I think I could handle a computer job, but wonder if my brain can be forced into functioning for eight hours a day, five days a week.  I worry about failure, but mostly, I worry about being faced with the reality of what I can and cannot do.  In my head, I like to think I’m still the strong, energetic person who worked 60+ hours per week without a second thought, and it bothers me to no end that I’ve now got limitations.  For years I’ve dreamed of being something like a veterinary technician, but now that I have the work permit so that could be possible, I know I might not be able to cope with the physical and mental requirements of the job.  I’ve never had to deal with the idea that I’m not capable of achieving a goal I set for myself, but that moment is probably just around the corner.

I’m nervous, and I’m angry with my limitations… I need someone to invent a magic “feel like you’re 25 again” pill.

Posted by Leigh-Ann on 08/26 at 11:40 PM
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